Whispers

Not all that glitters is gold: The head of a delegation to the recent Pacific Community conference in Fiji learnt the hard way. When he was miffed by the rather small and hence less prestigious vehicle presented for his use on arrival at Nadi Airport, a posh limousine with a non-government driver was hired for him. Misfortune soon began. First, the parked vehicle rolled away since the driver forgot to engage the hand break After an hour of progress towards Suva accompanying security vehicles were mystified when the VIP car jolted to an unexpected stop. Jumping out of their vehicles fearing a terrorist attack or something, the security bods were confronted by the spectacle of the driver sprinting to some bushes to relieve himself! That's not all. The very important person and his good lady next had their progress interrupted by a punctured tyre. Profusely apologising for the non-scheduled stoppages, hosting officials implored their guests that their experiences were one Fiji did not normally greet visitors with.

PINA/PIBA update: So what's happening with the marriage of the Pacific media and broadcasting associations? It seems nothing has happened since the August Apia meeting. Five years of audited accounts for Pacific Islands Broadcasting Association (PIBA) that were promised to be ready in "three weeks" after the meeting have not been sighted, not even by PIBA members. One PIBA member got a letter from the PIBA chief pleading for payment of arrears of membership fees, since PIBA was running out of cash to pay its staff. The letter said that if the arrears were not forthcoming PIBA's equipment would have to be sold to pay staff.

Speedy maturity: You've heard of fast-track promotions. What about speedy maturity? More has been revealed about the appointment of the new director for SOPAC, the South Pacific Geoscience Commission. The director designate had applied for the job of deputy director two years previously and the selection committee of member countries was formed to vet the application. Their verdict? Too young and too junior for the position. A committee member reportedly added "immature". But since the minutes of the meetings weren't kept, this could not be verified. Justifying the award of the director's job two years later, the chair commented: "She has matured and you can't dispute the fact that she is well qualified." But Papua New Guinea's moan about the decision was received by other committee members as a breach of the sanctity of "holy consensus" and "poor sportsmanship."

Tuvalu/Fiji relations: Tuvalu may be the region's smallest country but it is important to bigger neighbours like Fiji. A senior civil servant in Suva knows this too well after getting an irate letter from his boss asking why he had dodged Tuvalu's independence celebrations, leaving Fiji unrepresented. He set out for Tuvalu only to reach Nadi Airport and then back to the capital for unexplained reasons. The Public Service Commission was not amused, noting is was not the first time the slacker had let his country down and annoyed the neighbours.

Still on Tuvalu... From Funafuti comes a report of an independence celebration of a different sort, or putting it another away, of someone wanting to celebrate independently. After downing way too much, the fella challenged some patrolling police constables. He rested that evening in a police cell; the norm for a normal drunk perhaps, but not when you're an awfully senior government bigwig bureaucrat.

Paravets to the rescue: The Pacific's filling up with paravets, that's to say people given crash courses on how to put down your pet dog or cat with the minimum of mess and noise, so as to relieve the region's shortage of fully qualified vets. The Pacific Community plans to train 300 over the next four years. It's also training people to "evaluate the impact of animal waste on water supplies" in Tuvalu, Tonga, Kiribati and Fiji. What that means is the volume of discharge from neighbourhood pigs, goats, cows and other four-legged friends that seeps into the source of your household water supply.

Contract gone wrong: Kiribati's smarting over a contract that is costing the nation of 90,000 Micronesians millions of dollars. In a rush to get its national airline flying internationally, some officials struck a lease deal with the aircraft manufacturer that is draining millions of dollars from the public purse. On delivery, the aircraft spent six months on the ground awaiting necessary paper work to be done, while paying a monthly lease some airline people say would supply a much bigger steed. One of the first tasks of the new president, Anote Tong, is to solve the costly problem dumped on him by his predecessor.

Spreading Air Vanuatu wings: Air Vanuatu hopes to spread its wings more widely. It plans to add a second Boeing 737 jet and a turbo-prop ATR-42 to its stable. The intention is for the ATR to operate between Port Vila and Noumea while the jet will fly more trips to New Zealand and Australia. Noting Air Kiribati's hope of flying to Port Vila through Nadi, Air Vanuatu has given the floundering Kiribati airline until mid December to agree to a deal for a joint venture with a shared aircraft. It not, then Air Kiribati might just have to struggle on with a plane it can't afford.

The state of play: In Papua New Guinea, fourteen men and women whose worship rituals involved playing with each other's private parts were convicted by the Madang District Court for indecent exposure and offensive.

The nine men and five women were each fined Kina 50. A third charge against them-for producing and exhibiting indecent sculptures was adjourned to December 19. Those charged admitted a ritual required by their Debase Cultural Group cult, which involved looking at each other's private parts and producing sculptures of their genitals. Madang police got complaints from husbands of some of the women members of the cult movement about their wives falling pregnant to the cult's leader.

Madang Police Station commander Jimmy Zamora explained that followers had to strip naked before being allowed into a "church". Married couples were to look for another partner to play with while in the worship session. They pair off and play with each other's private parts as they work on sculptures of each other," Papua New Guinea's Post Courier newspaper related.

Culturally insensitive: The Australian office of the Fiji Visitors Bureau sent a stiff protest to the Johnson and Johnson crowd about a prime time Australian television advertisement run by several stations for tampons that depict an Australian woman's foot being washed in a tanoa by a Fijian man. Since a tanoa has more than a little cultural significance, the ad shocked a lot of Fiji people who saw it. Johnson and Johnson told the bureau it was "horrified!" Although the company said the offending ad wouldn't be seen again it was-on at least two free-to-air networks (TEN and Seven) and FOX.

Miss South Pacific gets into Samoan Way...The new Miss South Pacific, Cook Islander Janice Matatu Atua-a-Manaroa Nicholas, gets into the swing of things in the week-long pageant in Samoa. She was taking part in events outside Government Building in downtown Apia. Photo: Losalini Lomas.

Beauty pageant mono-poly: Polynesians made a clean sweep of the Miss South Pacific contest held in November in Samoa. They took the first, first runner up and second runner up places. The fourth place went to a girl from the Northern Marianas, who quite likely may have been of Asian extraction. The fifth and sixth places went to Polynesia also. French Polynesia (Tahiti) didn't bother, Fiji thought about it and withdrew, and Melanesia wasn't represented. Perhaps the event should be renamed the Miss Polynesia contest. Miss Cook Islands, Janice Matatu Atua-a Manaroa Nicholas, 25, a travel company assistant, is the new Miss South Pacific in succession to Lupe Kenape Aumavae of American Samoa. She also won the Miss Sarong, Talent and Traditional Wear awards. Next year's pageant will be in American Samoa. Organisers hope to attract more entrants from Melanesia and Micronesia. Miss South Pacific till now has been Polynesian dominated.